Category: How To Get Your Partner Involved

How to Get your Partner involved In Sleep Training?

5/2/2023

How to get your partner involved in sleep training your baby or toddler?

One of the most interesting aspects of my job is that I get to work so closely with such a wide variety of people and personalities. Coming into people’s lives, especially at a time when they’re vulnerable and emotional, lets you get to know them in a hurry.

I can honestly say that I’ve never really had two families that reminded me of one another. The difference between every family I’ve worked with is simply astonishing.

And obviously, as the demographics that define the traditional “nuclear family” have shifted over time, those differences have become much more varied and fascinating.

One thing that seems to remain somewhat constant is that there’s usually one parent I would define as the primary caregiver.

I’ve seen families where parents split the childcare duties 51-49. I’ve seen others where one parent tackles the feeding, bathing, supervision, education, and doctor visits, and the other reads their bedtime stories.

Both of these scenarios and everything in between is absolutely fine by me, of course. Any two people who can reach an agreement on what works for them in terms of raising their family deserve a medal, as far as I’m concerned.

But let’s not kid each other; sleep training is a tough slog. You’re obviously sleep deprived by the time you decide to take action. You have a few nights ahead of you that will probably test your patience and determination. If only one person’s involved, it will be that much more of a challenge.

So I am writing this post to you today, dear secondary caregiver. If you’re feeling left out of the child-rearing process and wishing you had more of an opportunity to bond with your baby and take some of the parenting stress off your partner’s shoulders, this is your moment.

Right here.

And let me tell you something... no dinner at a five-star restaurant, no front-row concert tickets, no trip to a tropical paradise, is going to solidify your place as your partner’s hero quite like taking a leading role in getting your baby sleeping through the night. I am not even slightly exaggerating here.

If you’re reading this, I would guess there’s a decent chance you’re already feeling the effects of at least a few nights of sleep deprivation, so you don’t need to be told how serious the effects really are. The thought of months or even years of this seems like an impossible situation, and your partner undoubtedly feels the same way.

So when you jump out in front of the problem and tell your partner, “I’m here, and I’m ready to tackle this situation alongside you,” it may well result in one of the most passionate, heartfelt smooching sessions of your life. Nothing is sexier than waking up exhausted in the middle of the night and seeing your partner already getting out of bed, telling you to lie down and go back to sleep with those three magic words... “I got this.”

Is it easy? No, not particularly. Sleep training can be challenging. There’s likely to be some crying, some moments of doubt, and a few trying nights, but everyone I’ve guided through the process has told me unreservedly that they would do it all over again in a heartbeat now that they’ve got their child sleeping through the night.

So now that you’re ready to take the reins on this horse, I’d like to speak to the primary caregiver again. Call them into the room, hand them your tablet, pass them your phone, whatever the situation warrants.

Are you there? OK, good. So check this out, you lucky duck. Your partner is awesome. They recognize your efforts in raising your baby and want to pull a little extra weight to make up for all your hard work. In addition, they want to take an active role in helping you get your baby sleeping through the night. So congratulations on your excellent choice of a partner.

So what’s the catch? Well, you have one very simple but difficult task here. You have to let them do it.

As the chair of the parenting department, that might not be easy. You’re probably used to having veto power when it comes to baby-centred decisions. Still, I want you to relinquish that for a while.

Sleep training requires consistency, and you and your partner should have a well-established plan you’re both comfortable with. Still, there’s room for each of you to have a different style within that framework.

So please resist the urge to hover over your partner as they figure out their own approach. It’s vital that they know you’re confident in their parenting abilities. Micromanaging someone else’s parenting will likely result in them just throwing their hands up and saying, “Fine, you do it.” Then you’re on your own again, and your partner probably ends up harbouring a hint of resentment.

Don’t undervalue what you’ve got here. This is someone with a deep and genuine love for your child who’s available and eager to help you with one of the most daunting challenges of early parenting. Moreover, they’re willing to do it for nothing! There are a lot of single parents out there who would literally step over their own mothers for that kind of an offer. So be cool.

Let your partner do their thing. You might be pleasantly surprised at their results, and you enjoy the rather sublime experience of watching them build their own little set of inside jokes, routines, and nuances. It’s like the sweetest thing in the world.

So now, bring your partner back into the room, would you? I want to talk to both of you together here. So go ahead; I’ll wait.

Are both of you there? Alright, good. Listen, what you’re about to do is really going to do amazing things for your little family unit. You’re going to get your baby sleeping through the night, which means you’ll both be sleeping through the night again. But you’re also committing to doing it together, making this endeavour even sweeter.

You’re going to learn how supportive you can both be in some challenging moments, how much stronger the two of you make each other, and how unstoppable you are when you parent as a team.

You’re taking a problem that could seriously deteriorate your relationship and agreeing to tackle it together. I think you should both be very proud of that.

I hope it goes smoothly from the jump, but remember, if it doesn’t, I’m always here to help. Two parents presenting a united front is a mighty force. Still, those same parents armed with an expert to help them through this process, well, that’s practically unstoppable.

Author

Erin Neri - Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant and Owner of To The Moon and Back Sleep Consulting since 2016.

Proud mother of 2 young school aged boys who did not come into the world preprogrammed with independent sleep skills. 27+ years of training & experience working with children and families including her BA in Applied Psychology, Infant Mental Health Training, Early Childhood Education & Experience. Completed Integrative Feeding Specialist Certification in Oct. 2022.

Comments

Putting your foot down this holiday season!

12/15/2022

Comments

The holidays are almost upon us, and I absolutely love this time of year!

Why? More than anything, it’s the opportunity to reconnect with the special people in our lives who we might not have seen in a while. Of course, everything about the holidays is special to me, but the people are what really get me excited.

Friends, family, neighbours, and acquaintances take this occasion to visit one another in person, which I’m sure we can all agree is more valuable to us this time after the pandemic caused so many missed opportunities to reconnect.

For many of you, this may be the first time your friends and family members get to meet your new baby, which is such a magical moment for everyone involved. Babies bring us together in an extraordinary way.

Now, I don’t want to sound like a grinch here, but if you’ve been working hard to teach your baby some independent sleep skills and they’re finally sleeping through the night, I just want to warn you that even though this is a wonderful time to celebrate and spend time with the people you love, it’s also an absolute minefield of potential sleep sabotage.

I’m going to single out grandparents here because they’re the most likely to be staying with you and the most likely to take liberties with your rules around your little one, but the same strategies apply to anyone who might be nudging you to ease up on bedtime and naps so they can visit with your baby.

Common examples of this “nudging” include…

Can’t she stay up a little longer? It’s the holidays!
We just got here! You can’t put her to bed yet!
We haven’t seen the kids all year! They can sleep in tomorrow morning!
We’ll take care of her when she wakes up! You guys sleep in!

All of these things are said with the best intentions, of course. Grandparents are usually more than willing to get up and tend to their grandkids. You can’t really fault people for wanting to spend time with your adorable babies, can you?

Intentions aside, though, sticking to your guns when people ask you to push back your little one’s bedtime can be tough, but I assure you, it’s necessary.

One late night is often enough to leave your baby overtired, making it tough to get them to sleep, causing less restful sleep when they eventually do go down, and often resulting in nighttime and early wakeups, all of which leaves your baby tired and irritable the next day.

And whose problem is it then? Well, yours, obviously. The first thing most people do when a baby starts to cry is hand them back over to their parents, thinking they know how to get them settled. Then the bad night’s sleep leads to a tough day of naps, leading to another rough night, and here we go again, just in time for the holidays.

I’m not trying to be an alarmist, but things can get out of hand pretty quickly, so today, I wanted to give you some tips for politely but firmly putting your foot down when your houseguests ask you to hold off on putting your baby to bed.

Be confident in your decision.
Remind yourself of what you and your baby were going through when they weren’t sleeping well, and ask yourself if you can go through it again, especially during the holidays. Remember that you’re doing the right thing for everyone involved, and that’s never selfish.

Explain the situation.
If people understand the struggle, you’ve undertaken to get your baby sleeping well. They’ll be much more likely to accept it when you insist on strict bedtime and nap schedules. So let your guests know that you’re right about teaching your baby some sleep skills and that they’ll need to go to bed at specific times, with no exceptions.

Highlight the rewards.
This is really the best method I’ve found for appeasing houseguests who don’t know the value of sleep. When they’re pushing for you to let baby, say, skip a nap, ask them, “Would you rather spend three hours with a crying baby or two hours with a happy one?”

After all, it’s tough to bond with a baby when they’re fussing and irritable, so remind Grandma and Grandpa that it’s a choice between forming those cherished memories of their grandchild laughing and cooing in their arms or significantly more forgettable ones of them fussing, screaming, and reaching for their parents because they’re tired and miserable.

Take deep breaths.
I know that sounds facile, but deep breathing really is an effective method of calming your brain and body down in moments when, let’s say, just as an example, your mother-in-law goes to “check” on your baby after they’ve been napping for 15 minutes and then emerges from their room holding a tired, bleary-eyed baby in their arms, claiming that baby was already awake when they walked in. Y’know. Just hypothetically. Not like your mother-in-law would dream of doing such a thing.

Take a few deep breaths, seriously. Before you say anything, just smile, breathe deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth, and remember that they’re just head-over-heels in love with their grandchild and didn’t do it to overrule or defy you. Give it a minute, and once you’ve cooled off a bit, calmly tell her that you’d like to see if baby can get a slightly longer nap and take her back to her crib.

Be the Boss.
Above all, remember, this is your child, and you know what’s best for them, so don’t let other people’s suggestions or experiences influence your judgment. You may hear things like, “We always let our little guy stay up late on Christmas Eve so he’d sleep late on Christmas morning,” or “You’ve got to make exceptions during the holidays.”

None of those people know your baby like you do, so all of their opinions combined don’t hold a candle to your knowledge and proficiency in this arena. You don’t need to be a tyrant, but you should never forget that you’re in charge because you’re the expert! So rock that title and do what you know is right.

The great news is, this is usually a one-time ordeal because once your family and friends see how well your little one sleeps, they quickly learn to appreciate why you take it so seriously.

After experiencing first-hand how delightful it is to be around a well-rested baby, they won’t be asking questions when they come back next year. Instead, they’ll just enjoy the experience and quietly marvel at how awesome you are at raising kids.

So happy holidays, everybody! Have fun, enjoy the season, and sleep well!

Author

Erin Neri - Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant and Owner of To The Moon and Back Sleep Consulting since 2016.

27+ years of training & experience working with children and families including her BA in Applied Psychology, Infant Mental Health Training, Early Childhood Education & Experience. Completed Integrative Feeding Specialist Certification in Oct. 2022.

Comments