This is it, mama. This is the final boss. The last level. The icing on the parenting cake.

​​Well, I suppose you still have about 15 or 16 years of parenting left before you send them off to college, but those are a day at the park compared to this.

I’m talking, of course, about nighttime potty training.
This is another one of those parenting milestones that can seem peculiar to outsiders. Still, for those of us who have been through it, we know that a celebration of epic proportions is in order on the day we finally say our final farewell to diapers. It’s not as sexy as completing your Master’s degree or landing a big promotion, but handing down that Diaper Genie to
one of your friends after getting your toddler 100% potty trained feels pretty similar on the old accomplishment-o-meter.

Today, I’ve some tips for you to determine whether your toddler is ready for nighttime potty training and, if so, how to maximize your chances of success without sacrificing the progress you’ve made with their sleep.

So, jumping right in, is your little one ready to go the night without using the potty?

Notice how I phrased that specifically? I’ve seen nighttime potty training approaches that involve actually going into your child’s bedroom at regular intervals during the night and waking them up to go to the bathroom!
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All the nopes to this approach. Every last nope in the nope collection. We do not sacrifice sleep for potty training. It’s way too confusing for a toddler to be told, after all of the work they’ve done to finally start sleeping peacefully through the night, that they now have to wake up every three or four hours to go to the bathroom.

If your toddler can’t get through the night without needing to pee, they’re not ready for this.
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Leave their diaper on at night and tackle this at a later date.

​If, however, your little one’s had a few nights of waking up with a dry diaper, that could mean that they’re up to the challenge. That’s really the prime indicator that this might be a good time to give it a shot. Two or three dry mornings in a week suggests that their bladder muscles have developed to the point where they can hold it for the night, so if that’s the case, let’s give it a shot.

Now, prepare yourself. I’m sure there are stories out there about The Toddler Who Potty Trained Without a Single Accident, but the odds of that happening are not in your favour. Not even close.

So pick a week when you don’t have a whole lot going on, get some extra sheets and PJs at the ready, and get your zen on because the most important thing here is patience. There will be some accidents, and accepting this reality ahead of time will help make the process bearable for you and your little one.
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​Keep this mindset when you’re explaining what’s going on to your toddler. It’s great to be enthusiastic and super-positive, but don’t make it sound too monumental. We’ve got to keep in mind that this isn’t something they have control over, and building up expectations on them can result in some feelings of failure and disappointment if they do have an accident in the night. This is also something to consider if you’re looking at a “reward chart” or some such thing for nights without an accident. I’m
not inherently against them, but if your toddler tends to get really upset if they don’t make the grade, it might be better to let them succeed or fail without rewards and consequences. 
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Make sure your toddler gets on the potty right before bed, even if they say they don’t need to go.

I know many parents have found that a potty session 30 minutes before bedtime, followed by another one right before bed, has yielded the best results.
When an accident happens, as it probably will at least a few times, don’t act disappointed or irritated. (Go ahead and feel that way, sure, but you keep that noise to yourself.) Just take your toddler by the hand and walk them back to their room, get them cleaned up and into some fresh pyjamas, and change their bed with the clean sheets you’ve prepared ahead of time.

I do have one really sweet pro tip for you here. Grab some plastic sheeting, lay a layer over the mattress, then add a set of bed sheets, followed by another layer of plastic, and finally another set of bed sheets. That way, if there’s an accident in the night, you just go in, strip off the top layer, and bam! There’s a clean, dry, freshly made bed waiting underneath.

That’ll help get you and your little one back to bed in no time flat.
Keep the room as dark as possible, keep the process brief, and avoid putting your little one in the bath unless absolutely necessary. Getting into the tub is likely to throw a wrench in your child’s sleep for the night. They might get it into their heads that wetting the bed gets them fifteen minutes in the bath, which, for some kids, might sound like a pretty sweet proposition.

So what happens if it doesn’t take? If you’re still experiencing regular accidents after a week or two, consider the situation. Is your toddler ready and just not willing, or willing but not ready? And when you’re deciding, consider whether your own desire to see an end to diapers is influencing your decision. Any sane parent would love to say goodbye to diapers as soon as possible, but there really is no rushing this process. If they’re not ready, they’re not ready, and you’re just putting a lot of unnecessary stress on both of you by trying to get it done before it’s time.

To reiterate, one last time, getting your toddler out of their diaper is not worth sacrificing their sleep routine. Don’t attempt this crazy “dream-potty” routine where you try to get them to pee while they’re still sleeping, don’t wake them up halfway through the night to go to the bathroom, and don’t drop two hundred bucks on a bed-wetting alarm. (How is that even a thing?)

You’ll just be trading one issue for another, and since you’ve already put the work in to get them sleeping through the night, you’re much better off just waiting until the moment is right.

-Erin Neri, BA. Psychology, Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant, Infant Mental Health, Integrated Feeding Specialist

​We’re all willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that our babies are properly nourished, obviously, but as anyone who’s been through this glorious journey of motherhood will tell you, kids are shrewd. They’re unimaginably clever. They will find ways to get what they want, and they will repeat them relentlessly.

Which is not their fault, obviously. They’re just working off of instinct. They know what they like, and at a young age, they like mom— a lot.
I’m talking all mom, all the time. You are to your baby what Pinterest is to middle-aged homeowners. Too much is never enough.

And given the fact that they really only have one method of communicating, if Mom’s not around and they don’t think that’s cool, they fire up their lungs, and they let out a cry.

However, obviously, they don’t only cry because they want Mom. They cry because they’re uncomfortable, or because they’ve got a dirty diaper, or because they’re too hot or too cold, and they cry because they’re hungry.

So when they wake up in the middle of the night and start crying, it’s tough to determine whether they need to eat or just want to see Mom back in the room.
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​I’m not trying to tell you that you shouldn’t respond to your baby’s crying. You know your baby better than anyone, and I imagine you can tell when something needs to be addressed based on the decibel level, intensity, pitch, and duration. But having said that, if your baby is waking up seven or eight times a night and insisting that you come in and rock her back to sleep, which can have a profound impact on everybody’s sleep, including hers.

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Many babies have developed a dependency on nursing, rocking, sucking, and so on in order to get to sleep, and it’s not something they can overcome in 15 or 20 minutes. Solving that issue requires some real work and a firm commitment from you, but we can discuss sleep training in a minute.

First things first, here are a few things to consider when you’re trying to determine this oh-so-prevalent parental riddle.

• IS BABY UNDER SIX MONTHS OLD?
Up until about the six-month mark, babies typically require at least one nighttime feeding. Their tummies are small, they haven’t started solid food yet, and formula and breast milk digest fairly quickly, so there’s a good chance they’re going to get a case of the munchies during the night.
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This isn’t the case for all babies, obviously. Some infants sleep through the night without a feed from a very early age and then pig out during the day, but generally speaking, you can expect to be summoned for a
nighttime feeding up until babies hit about six months.
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​• DOES BABY FALL ASLEEP INDEPENDENTLY?
Here lies the linchpin. The cornerstone of the whole equation is right here. Can your baby fall asleep on their own?
If you can put your baby down in her crib while she’s still awake, leave the room, and have baby fall asleep without any help from you, without a pacifier, or any other kind of outside assistance. In that case, those nighttime cries are far more likely to mean that she genuinely needs a hand with something when she wakes up crying at night.

Determining whether your baby’s hungry at night is obviously a complicated situation. Calories are vital, but so is sleep, so we typically end up paralyzed trying to balance the importance of the two. This tightrope is immeasurably easier to walk once you’ve taught your baby the skills they need to fall asleep on their own.

Once the habit of feeding to sleep is broken, you can feel much more confident that their requests for a nighttime feed are out of necessity, not just a way to grab a few extra minutes with mom.

And, as always, if you’re looking for some help teaching your little one those essential sleep skills, I’ve got you covered.

- Erin Neri, BA. Psychology, Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant, Infant Mental Health, Integrated Feeding Specialist
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What is it about you having a lousy night’s sleep that makes everyone else so awful?

It seems that way, doesn’t it? You have a night of broken, interrupted, just plain lousy sleep. The next day, people are driving like they’ve been lobotomized, humming and hawing about their Starbucks order in front of you and asking you the same stupid question at work that you’ve already answered half a dozen times.

Seriously, is the universe just messing with you? Is there a hidden camera somewhere and a group of sadistic YouTube pranksters sending these cretins into your path?

Maybe. I’m not saying that’s not a possibility, but a more likely explanation is that your lack of sleep is making it impossible for you to react rationally to frustrating situations. 

Researchers from the University of Arizona released a study in 2006, which I discovered last week, showing that people deprived of sleep over a 55-hour period had...

• An increased tendency to blame others for problems
• Reduced willingness to alleviate a conflict situation by accepting blame
• Increased aggression
• Lower desire to behave in ways that facilitate effective social interaction

I know this might not seem like especially earth-shaking news, but it speaks to a broader point. 

So, let’s imagine that you and your partner are the proud parents of a new baby. Your lives are undoubtedly blessed, but let’s not kid ourselves; a new baby is a mammoth responsibility, and they require their parents to make, on average, one million decisions a day. (I’m estimating there, but it’s for sure in the ballpark. Let’s say a million-ish.)

And for every decision that has to be made, you and your partner need to come to some sort of an agreement that it’s the right way to go. 

• What time should we put him to bed? 
• What do we do when he starts crying? 
• Are we going to breastfeed? Are we able to? 

Those are all questions that need to be agreed upon and then reevaluated if things aren’t going smoothly. Those are just three of an infinite number of choices you’ll make in the first few weeks alone. 

And every one of them presents an opportunity for disagreement.
Now, you and your partner may have a great method for resolving your disputes. You may have already agreed on a lot of these questions before you even got pregnant. Still, as any parent knows, all of those decisions are up for renewal the second things start going off the rails. 

​So here you are, faced with all of these decisions, all of which need to be approved by you and your partner; you’re frustrated because things aren’t going smoothly, to begin with, and to top it all off, your ability to recognize and respond to each other in a rational, civilized manner has been seriously compromised.

Two people are forced to debate the most critical decisions they’re likely to make in their lives, and they’re psychologically primed to blame one another, get angry, and be less likely to play fair or accept responsibility. 
Nightmare, right? 

On top of that, couples who don’t get enough sleep are less likely to show gratitude towards each other and significantly more likely to feel unappreciated, according to Amie Gordon, a doctorate candidate in social-personality psychology at UC Berkeley. 

And as though that’s not enough, consider the fact that lack of sleep decreases libido, which means you won’t be having sex as often, if at all. Many of the parents I’ve worked with have told me they’ve stopped having sex altogether since one of them is sleeping on the couch or sleeping next to baby, and in those rare opportunities where they get the chance to fool around, they both say they’re too tired and just not in the mood.

Loads of couples get through this period in their lives with their partnership intact, and I’m not trying to suggest that sleep deprivation is going to be the end of your relationship. A baby who isn’t sleeping isn’t necessarily going to result in divorce, but I can say without reservation that it certainly won’t help.

​Babies are amazing, right? I mean c’mon. What can possibly compare with those first few months when you and your partner stand over the crib together and look down on that precious new life that the two of you created together? It’s the most romantic experience I can envision, and it’s a period in your life that deserves to be cherished. That’s not so easy to do if you and your partner are constantly fighting against each other because neither of you is getting enough sleep.

There are so many reasons to make your little one’s sleep a priority when it comes to their well-being. Still, I’d ask you to take a selfish little detour for a moment and consider what it can mean for you, your partner and your relationship. After all, if there’s one gift your kids always appreciate, it’s seeing their parents happy, united, and in love. 

So before you commit to couples therapy, before you move to separate bedrooms, before you even get into one more heated argument over which route to take to daycare, try taking a week to commit to getting your little one sleeping through the night and see how you feel once you’re all getting the rest you need.

The results, I promise you, are nothing short of amazing.

-Erin Neri, BA. Psychology, Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant, Infant Mental Health, Integrated Feeding Specialist

​Kahn-Greene, E. T., Lipizzi, E. L., Conrad, A. K., Kamimori, G. H., & Killgore, W. (2006). Sleep deprivation adversely affects interpersonal responses to frustration. Personality and Individual Differences, 41(8), 
1433-1443. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2006.06.002

Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2014). The Role of Sleep in Interpersonal Conflict: Do Sleepless Nights Mean Worse Fights? Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(2), 168–175. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550613488952

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​So even if you manage to focus on what you’re learning and acquire the information, without sleep, that information won’t be properly stored in the brain. When called upon to access it, you’ll find yourself drawing a blank and making that face. You know the one your husband gets when you ask him to communicate his needs more often? That one.
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Now, I’m a firm believer that learning and education should be a lifelong pursuit, but once we’re out of school, learning becomes substantially more optional. For your kids, though, learning is their primary responsibility for the first 18-20 years of their lives, so considering how much they need to retain, the importance of a healthy sleep schedule is hard to overstate.

People who regularly get between 7-9 hours of sleep see significantly lower rates of obesity, high blood pressure, stroke, infections, depression, diabetes, inflammation, hypertension, heart disease, heart attacks, and heart failure. They also report higher satisfaction with their sex lives, better performance at work and take fewer sick days than people who
typically sleep less than 7 hours a night. (3)
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So, there’s no question that sleep, while it remains mysterious, is definitely an essential part of a healthy and happy lifestyle. But that all changes when you have a baby, right?

​I mean, you’ve brought a new life into this world, and you’re expected to sacrifice your sleep for a few years, maybe six or seven at the most, in order to respond to your baby’s needs, which, for some reason, they seem to have in spades in the middle of the night.
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Let’s be real here. When we get right down to the heart of the matter, this is the question you really need an answer to, am I right? 

Your baby is regularly waking up sometime during the night, and when they do, they start to fuss, they need you to soothe them back to sleep somehow, and the disruptions to everyone’s sleep are leaving the entire family exhausted, baby included.
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Now, I’m not going to tell you there’s a simple “one-size-fits-all” solution to this problem because, after all, I’d have to find a new line of work if there were.
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But I am going to tell you that there’s almost always a single cause for a baby or toddler not being able to sleep through the night, and it’s the same reason in about 90% of the cases I deal with.

Before we get to that, though, let’s rule a couple of things out. 

​And that, I’m happy to tell you, pretty much sums it up.
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If your baby’s comfortable and fed, there’s really only one major reason why they can’t sleep through the night. 

Are you ready for it?

It’s because they don’t know how.

Now I know we’ve all heard the sound bites and talking points on social media. “Babies will sleep when they’re ready!” “Sleep is developmental!” “Just ride it out. It won’t last forever.” and so on. I have to admit to a little low-key rage whenever I read comments like that because… 
a) It doesn’t help and
b) It tells people to avoid fixing an issue that absolutely can and should be fixed!

If someone asked how to get a sliver out of their little one’s foot, would anyone respond with, “Just be patient. It’ll work its way out eventually. Hang in there mama! You’re doing great!”

I certainly hope not, although given some of the comments I’ve seen on social media, I wouldn’t say it’s out of the realm of possibility. 
(OK, that’s the end of my rant. Back to the good stuff!)

So what do I mean when I say that babies wake up because they don’t know how to sleep through the night?

All of us, babies and adults alike, sleep in cycles.

When we get to the end of a cycle, we’re no longer in a “deep” sleep. We’re hovering right around the point of waking up, and a lot of the time, we do wake up. Us adults have so much experience falling asleep, we can usually just look at the clock, realize we’ve still got a few more delicious hours before our alarm goes off, and we close our eyes, maybe roll over onto our other side, and go right back to sleep.

Babies haven’t had nearly as much practice, and very often, I mean VERY often, they get a bunch of help when it’s time for a snooze. They get bounced, shushed, cuddled, rocked, serenaded, taken for car rides, rolled around in their stroller, or fed to sleep. 
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So when they wake up after a sleep cycle, which again, is going to happen regularly for their entire lives, they can’t get back to sleep again without that extra help, so mom or dad needs to get up and repeat whatever process baby’s accustomed to.

​That’s the issue, and like I say, it’s the issue with about 90% of the babies I work with.

How do you address that issue? Well, that’s where things get tricky because the solution varies tremendously depending on the baby and their parent’s compatibility with various approaches to resolving the problem, but the cause is almost always a dependency on some form of sleep assistance from a caregiver.

So when you hear someone saying that babies don’t sleep through the night, or that it’s natural for them to wake up several times, that’s absolutely correct. 

When they tell you that all you can do is wait it out, that’s absurd. 
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You can absolutely teach your little one the skills they need to sleep through the night, and I’d be delighted to show you how.