What is it about you having a lousy night’s sleep that makes everyone else so awful?

It seems that way, doesn’t it? You have a night of broken, interrupted, just plain lousy sleep. The next day, people are driving like they’ve been lobotomized, humming and hawing about their Starbucks order in front of you and asking you the same stupid question at work that you’ve already answered half a dozen times.

Seriously, is the universe just messing with you? Is there a hidden camera somewhere and a group of sadistic YouTube pranksters sending these cretins into your path?

Maybe. I’m not saying that’s not a possibility, but a more likely explanation is that your lack of sleep is making it impossible for you to react rationally to frustrating situations. 

Researchers from the University of Arizona released a study in 2006, which I discovered last week, showing that people deprived of sleep over a 55-hour period had...

• An increased tendency to blame others for problems
• Reduced willingness to alleviate a conflict situation by accepting blame
• Increased aggression
• Lower desire to behave in ways that facilitate effective social interaction

I know this might not seem like especially earth-shaking news, but it speaks to a broader point. 

So, let’s imagine that you and your partner are the proud parents of a new baby. Your lives are undoubtedly blessed, but let’s not kid ourselves; a new baby is a mammoth responsibility, and they require their parents to make, on average, one million decisions a day. (I’m estimating there, but it’s for sure in the ballpark. Let’s say a million-ish.)

And for every decision that has to be made, you and your partner need to come to some sort of an agreement that it’s the right way to go. 

• What time should we put him to bed? 
• What do we do when he starts crying? 
• Are we going to breastfeed? Are we able to? 

Those are all questions that need to be agreed upon and then reevaluated if things aren’t going smoothly. Those are just three of an infinite number of choices you’ll make in the first few weeks alone. 

And every one of them presents an opportunity for disagreement.
Now, you and your partner may have a great method for resolving your disputes. You may have already agreed on a lot of these questions before you even got pregnant. Still, as any parent knows, all of those decisions are up for renewal the second things start going off the rails. 

​So here you are, faced with all of these decisions, all of which need to be approved by you and your partner; you’re frustrated because things aren’t going smoothly, to begin with, and to top it all off, your ability to recognize and respond to each other in a rational, civilized manner has been seriously compromised.

Two people are forced to debate the most critical decisions they’re likely to make in their lives, and they’re psychologically primed to blame one another, get angry, and be less likely to play fair or accept responsibility. 
Nightmare, right? 

On top of that, couples who don’t get enough sleep are less likely to show gratitude towards each other and significantly more likely to feel unappreciated, according to Amie Gordon, a doctorate candidate in social-personality psychology at UC Berkeley. 

And as though that’s not enough, consider the fact that lack of sleep decreases libido, which means you won’t be having sex as often, if at all. Many of the parents I’ve worked with have told me they’ve stopped having sex altogether since one of them is sleeping on the couch or sleeping next to baby, and in those rare opportunities where they get the chance to fool around, they both say they’re too tired and just not in the mood.

Loads of couples get through this period in their lives with their partnership intact, and I’m not trying to suggest that sleep deprivation is going to be the end of your relationship. A baby who isn’t sleeping isn’t necessarily going to result in divorce, but I can say without reservation that it certainly won’t help.

​Babies are amazing, right? I mean c’mon. What can possibly compare with those first few months when you and your partner stand over the crib together and look down on that precious new life that the two of you created together? It’s the most romantic experience I can envision, and it’s a period in your life that deserves to be cherished. That’s not so easy to do if you and your partner are constantly fighting against each other because neither of you is getting enough sleep.

There are so many reasons to make your little one’s sleep a priority when it comes to their well-being. Still, I’d ask you to take a selfish little detour for a moment and consider what it can mean for you, your partner and your relationship. After all, if there’s one gift your kids always appreciate, it’s seeing their parents happy, united, and in love. 

So before you commit to couples therapy, before you move to separate bedrooms, before you even get into one more heated argument over which route to take to daycare, try taking a week to commit to getting your little one sleeping through the night and see how you feel once you’re all getting the rest you need.

The results, I promise you, are nothing short of amazing.

-Erin Neri, BA. Psychology, Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant, Infant Mental Health, Integrated Feeding Specialist

​Kahn-Greene, E. T., Lipizzi, E. L., Conrad, A. K., Kamimori, G. H., & Killgore, W. (2006). Sleep deprivation adversely affects interpersonal responses to frustration. Personality and Individual Differences, 41(8), 
1433-1443. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2006.06.002

Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2014). The Role of Sleep in Interpersonal Conflict: Do Sleepless Nights Mean Worse Fights? Social Psychological and Personality Science, 5(2), 168–175. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550613488952

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​Quick, without looking it up, what’s the opposite of “nocturnal?”

We all know what nocturnal means, right? Animals that sleep in the day and do most of their activities at night, bats, owls, and raccoons being some familiar examples. 

It always surprises me that we’re not nearly as familiar with the term diurnal (that’s the answer, in case you didn’t know.) since, as humans, that’s what we are. 

​Our eyes don’t adapt to the dark all that well, we don’t have the echolocation skills of the bat, and we rely on the sun for our vitamin D. Since evolution is a painfully slow process, that’s the way it’s going to be for another couple million years, at least. 
But there are some really sweet benefits that come with being daytime creatures, and one of my favourites is a little thing called the circadian rhythm. 

The circadian rhythm, as you may already know, is the internal clock in the human body that prompts us to wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night, and much like a clock, it has a LOT of moving parts, only instead of gears and springs, it’s made up of stimuli and hormones.

Two of these hormones are going to play the starring roles in our story, and those are melatonin and cortisol. If you’ve got a baby having a hard time sleeping, you have undoubtedly heard a lot about both of these guys.

Melatonin is produced in the pineal gland of the brain, and its role is to help the body relax, both mentally and physically, and help us get to sleep and stay asleep. So when your baby gets an 11-12 hour stretch of glorious sleep, you can thank their pineal gland for firing up those melatonin pumps. 

But you can also thank the daylight because exposure to the sun stimulates melatonin production. Production, mind you. Not secretion. We’ll talk about that in a second, but the buildup of the hormone itself is stimulated by exposure to sunlight. So it’s not just an old wives tale. Getting your baby outside during the day really does help them sleep better at night!

This whole intricate dance between light and dark, cortisol and melatonin, awake and asleep, evolved over an incredibly long time, and it worked like magic up until, relatively speaking, very recently, when we discovered that we could pass an electric current along a filament and “artificially” illuminate our surroundings. Before that, we relied exclusively on fire, which emits very little blue light.


Depending on their hue, light bulbs emit quite a bit of it. And TVs, LEDs, computer monitors, iPads, smartphones, and all of those other screens that surround us today, absolutely flood our eyes with it. Unfortunately, all of that blue light coming at us in hours when we would normally be enveloped in darkness signals the brain that it’s still daytime and inhibits the release of melatonin, making it harder to get to sleep.


Since we can’t reasonably get rid of all of the sources of blue light around us, the best thing to do for our little ones’ sleep is to turn off those really intense sources, like TVs and smartphones, a couple of hours before they go to bed, and make sure their sleeping area is as dark as we can get it. I’m talking real dark. Like, can’t see your hand in front of your face, kind of dark. Some blackout blinds can be a game changer, especially if you live somewhere where the days get exceptionally long in the summer. 


So that’s the story of the circadian rhythm and its daily heroic effort to keep us running at peak performance. It really is a fascinating little piece of our physiology, and with just a little support from our side, it can work wonders in getting us out of bed with energy and enthusiasm and helping us feel relaxed and peaceful when it’s time to sleep. Work with it instead of resisting it, and I guarantee you’ll start seeing and feeling the results immediately. ​

Before discussing attachment theory and its influence, it is vitally important to define it. There has been significant confusion about the meaning of the term since the introduction of the “attachment parenting” philosophy, but they’re two completely different things.
 
What is attachment Parenting?
“Attachment parenting,” a term coined by Drs. William and Martha Sears which refers to a specific parenting approach advocating, among other things, baby-wearing, bed-sharing, and breastfeeding on demand.
 
The popularity of Dr. Sears’ book has caused some confusion about the differences between this parenting style and the scientific notion of attachment theory1, and because of Sears’ adherence to co-sleeping, nursing on demand, and responding immediately to a baby when they’re fussing, it’s easy to see how some parents arrived at the conclusion that disregarding these tenets by helping their babies learn to sleep independently could damage the “attachment” between a baby and their caregiver. But again, attachment theory and attachment parenting are in no way related to each other in anything other than name.

What is Attachment Theory?
Alan Sroufe, a developmental psychologist at the Institute for Child Development at the University of Minnesota, defines attachment as “...a relationship in the service of a baby’s emotion regulations and exploration. It is the deep, abiding confidence a baby has in the availability and responsiveness of the caregiver.”2
 
At its origin, attachment theory was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby, and greatly expanded upon and tested by American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. In its current understanding, it states that there are four categories of attachment between a baby and their caregivers: secure, insecure-avoidant, insecure- resistant, and insecure-disorganized.
 
Children with a secure attachment to their primary caregiver feel safe expressing distress or discomfort, and will explore unfamiliar areas around them confidently so long as the caregiver is nearby. They tend to become distressed when their caregiver leaves the vicinity, but respond positively when they return.
 
Children with insecure attachments avoid their caregiver when distressed and minimize displays of negative emotion in their presence, presumably because the caregiver has responded to previous displays of distress and negative emotion in negative ways, such as ignoring, ridiculing, or becoming annoyed with the child. The infant learns quickly that displays of distress provoke negative emotions from the caregiver and therefore avoids exhibiting them.