5 Tips for Sleepovers at the Grandparents

“What are you looking forward to?” This is usually one of the first questions I ask parents when I partner with them. It helps them visualize what life will be like in just a couple of weeks when their baby sleeps soundly through the night and takes long, rejuvenating naps.


For most parents, the answer is right there in the question. They just want their baby to get the sleep they need to be happy and healthy, and obviously, they want the same for themselves.


But once they’ve moved past the first few blissful mornings when they wake up and realize that their baby has slept through the night and is still sleeping, they start to discover that a well-rested baby brings some unexpected benefits.


The number one among them is the ability to leave the baby overnight with the grandparents.


There’s something absolutely magical about sleepovers. Spending the night somewhere outside of your home has a very intimate quality to it. Whether you’re a young kid spending the night at a friend’s house, the first time you and your partner sleep in the same bed, or the first time you stay in a hotel on your own, sleeping somewhere forges an emotional connection, and for grandparents, having their grandchild sleep in their home is beyond special. 


It’s a reminder of their days as new parents, a living, breathing testament to the family they’ve built together, and a chance to wrap themselves up in all that family love that’s so saturating when there’s a baby in the house. 


For mom and dad, this is an opportunity to go out on a well-deserved date night! Most parents I work with haven’t enjoyed that luxury since the day they brought their baby home from the hospital, whether 3 months ago or 3 years ago. 


Hence, taking advantage of a reliable, enthusiastic (and usually free!) overnight babysitter allows them to reconnect in a way they haven’t enjoyed for far too long.


OK, putting the sentiment aside for now, there is some groundwork to be done before you drop your little one off at your parents’ place. You’ve completed stage one, coach your baby, so now it’s time for stage two. Coach your parents.


Now, obviously, some grandparents will be completely awesome, wonderful, and fully compliant with whatever you tell them to do vis-a-vis their grandchild. 


But not all of them.


Some grandparents have very, shall we say, entrenched views on parenting. After all, you’re living proof of their expertise and experience.


It can be a bit of a balancing act to insist that your parents respect your little one’s schedule and sleeping arrangements while still respecting their role as experienced and incredible caregivers. So today, I’d like to give you a few tips on how to do exactly that so your whole family, including those beloved members outside of your home, can benefit.


1. Respect Your Elders
 
Above all, remember that these are not rookies. They’re seasoned veterans who have been through everything you’re going through now, so even though you may need to establish some ground rules, don’t approach it the same way you would a teenage babysitter. Demonstrating confidence in their abilities will help ensure that whatever rules you do lay down, they’ll be adhered to. 


2. Be Authentic
 
I see so many parents trying to play parenthood off as if they’ve got everything under control at all times, even with their own parents. I mean, if anyone knows how tough raising a child is, it’s grandparents, so don’t be shy to let them know how difficult it was to function when your baby was waking up every hour at night and how hard you’ve worked to remedy the situation. Understanding the emotional investment you’ve put into solving your little one’s sleep issues will help them feel a personal commitment to the routine.


3. Explain the Incentives
 
Grandparents crave interaction with their grandkids. I mean, they absolutely crave it. They’re like baby-interaction vampires. Not that anyone can blame them, of course. Smiles and giggles and burps from a baby are wonderful to anyone, but to that baby’s grandparents, they’re positively life-affirming. As such, they tend to want to keep the baby awake longer than recommended. (This is especially true in the case of newborns, who can typically only handle about 45 minutes to 1 hour of awake time before they need to go back down for a nap. 
 

•  My favourite approach to this situation is to explain the “long game” incentive of keeping the baby on their schedule. In short, if every time you pick baby up from their place, she’s cranky and overtired, you’re going to be reluctant to leave them overnight. If, on the other hand, she’s happy and rested every time you pick her up, you’re going to hand that baby over to them pretty much any time they’re willing to watch her, resulting in much more time spent with her overall. 

4. Share Your Experience
 
 Suppose you’ve already got your baby sleeping well at night and napping well during the day. In that case, you know what a difference it makes to their personality. Personally, I could not believe the improvement in my baby’s mood once we had gotten the whole sleep situation figured out. Parenting was exponentially more enjoyable when my little one was basically always in a good mood. It may sound crazy, but I just liked being around my baby so much more. 
 

•  So make sure you let your parents know how much more enjoyable their whole day and night with their grandchild will be if they follow the schedule. Laying down the law and making ultimatums around bedtime and nap schedules is much less effective than appealing to their caring, nurturing tendencies. 

5. Equate Sleeping With Feeding
 
 If there’s one thing a grandmother won’t abide, it’s a hungry baby. The average grandmother won’t accept a hungry anything, come to think of it. But when it comes to babies, they’ll move heaven and earth to make sure that little ones are adequately fed. Putting sleep on par with feeding priority-wise can help ensure that the same level of dedication gets devoted to getting baby down for naps and into bed on time. So when you’re going over the babysitting guidelines, try to avoid getting into the minutiae and stressing how important those two things are when they’re taking care of their grandchild. 


One last thing I’d like to mention here because I think it’s super important: there’s a good chance your parents might end up being guilty of a wee bit of sabotage. For example, if a baby wakes up at night and cries, they might respond immediately and feed them back to sleep. Or they might allow your toddler to sleep in their bed with them. They may hold them and rock them to sleep at bedtime. 


That can cause some severe anxiety for a parent who’s invested a whole lot of time, effort, and emotional capital into breaking those sleep associations. However, I want to reassure you that there’s typically no need to panic and call off any future sleepovers. Babies, even newborns, are surprisingly adept at recognizing different sleeping environments and understanding the rules in them, so just because they get rocked to sleep at grandma’s place doesn’t mean they’ll revert back to that expectation when you get them home. If they’ve developed some strong independent sleep skills, they’ll be back to normal pretty much immediately. 


So don’t lose your mind if your mom tells you she let baby fall asleep on her chest. A gentle suggestion that she not do it all the time, combined with the concession that you know how hard it is to resist a baby falling asleep on you, should be all that’s needed.

Author

Erin Neri - Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant and Owner of To The Moon and Back Sleep Consulting since 2016. 

Proud mother of 2 young school aged boys who did not come into the world  preprogrammed with independent sleep skills. 28+ years of training & experience working with children and families including her BA in Applied Psychology, Infant Mental Health Training, Early Childhood Education & Experience. Completed Integrative Feeding Specialist Certification in Oct. 2022. ​